They say when it rains it pours, and well that is exactly what it feels like. I don't think people realize how often I put a smile on my face when deep down I feel like crawling into a hole to hide from the rest of the world. I try so hard to keep the negativity I feel hidden away in hopes that only I know its there, but it always seems to find a crack to squeeze through to create a gaping hole.
I am 24 years old, with my 25th birthday fast approaching at the end of next month. The past couple weeks I have found myself lost in my thoughts on how 7 years ago I graduated high school with honors, was an active member in the band and was a member of the girls track and field team. I had two very proud parents who showed it everyday. Since then, I have managed to fail out of CMU, spend $$$$$$$$$ at Macomb Community College where I have yet to achieve a degree of any kind, I lived on my own only to come crawling back home to mom and dad's house where I will remain for who knows how long. I currently have 3 jobs; Working at the Detroit Zoo, running clocks at Troy Sports Center, and working as a latchkey/preschool sub for WCS. I love all my jobs and I actually was feeling very blessed to have 3 jobs #1, but I was also feeling blessed because I actually ENJOY them! I was feeling great knowing I could work all 3, and save up a good amount of money before my subbing position ended in June. I was feeling proud of myself for working on my days off and thought maybe I would get a little encouragement from the two people who always had my back through out high school. My mom tells me when she knows I need to hear it that she is proud of me No matter what, but for some reason I need to hear it from my Dad to know its true. Instead, I am told I need a REAL job, and when I asked like what, he responds with "Like at a Candy Store". Really? My younger sister has a great job working as an assistant manager at a candy store and I couldn't be more proud of her, but I am not her! She is definitely the one he is most proud of, which he has every right to be, but don't compare me to her. Don't aide in me feeling like a complete failure, because trust me I do that enough to myself. You may not see my 3, YES 3 jobs as REAL jobs, BUT THEY ARE TO ME! I AM WORKING MY ASS SO THAT ONE DAY I WILL BE PROUD OF WHO I AM AND WHAT I DO. ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO HELP ME BELIEVE THAT WHAT I AM DOING IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF! SHOW ME SUPPORT. MAKE ME FEEL LIKE WHAT I AM DOING IS WORTH SOMETHING!
I am a soon to be 25 year old who feels like I have absolutely NOTHING going for me. I have NOTHING to show for the last 25 years of my life. I need some support to get me through this funk. All I'm asking is for some of that support to come from the ones I need it from the most. I don't ask for help. For some reason I am unable to ask for help, and I HATE letting people see me struggle. What I do best, is put a smile on my face and convince the world around me that I am a girl without a care in the world, but if you look closely you will see a woman begging for support and guideance....
